Tonight I am feeling impatient with being “a transition figure” — part of the bridge between earlier literalistic and current symbolic versions of Christianity. In these choirs, I am singing too much of what I do not think — like today, an anthem celebrating “We believe!” — and listening to too much of what I disagree with — like today at Sunday School hearing a Max Lucado book read. I am feeling like I would like to just not try to attend church — unless I encounter one that “fits.”
At the least, I am feeling like I want to somehow make a statement about what I think and don’t think. If I did, that might make it not feel fake when I go to church. I have been receiving a trust established by the Reynolds family for retired clergy in North Carolina, around $1200 twice a year. That has been greatly appreciated!!!!!!! and has been so helpful for Christmas and birthdays! I would miss that! …but it really does not figure in to whatever I decide to do or not do.
I think it would be upsetting to [spouse]. That is probably the major reason not to be totally frank. I wonder whether talking with our little preacher would help relieve some of the pressure, release some steam : ) I doubt if it would shake him — would not want to do that. Wonder if he would not be at all surprised : ) Likely I’m not as opaque as I imagine : )