Tonight I am feeling impatient with being “a transition figure” —  part of the bridge between earlier literalistic and current symbolic versions of Christianity.   In these choirs, I am singing too much of what I do not think —  like today, an anthem celebrating “We believe!” —  and listening to too much of what I disagree with —  like today at Sunday School hearing a Max Lucado book read.    I am feeling like I would like to just not try to attend church — unless I encounter one that “fits.”

At the least, I am feeling like I want to somehow make a statement about what I think and don’t think.   If I did, that might make it not feel fake when I go to church.   I have been receiving a trust established by the Reynolds family for retired clergy in North Carolina, around $1200 twice a year.   That has been greatly appreciated!!!!!!!   and has been so helpful for Christmas and birthdays!   I would miss that!   …but it really does not figure in to whatever I decide to do or not do.

I think it would be upsetting to [spouse].   That is probably the major reason not to be totally frank.   I wonder whether talking with our little preacher would help relieve some of the pressure, release some steam  :  )   I doubt if it would shake him —  would not want to do that.   Wonder if he would not be at all surprised  :  )   Likely I’m not as opaque as I imagine  :  )

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